I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize