tonight lets celebrate not being married
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
