honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize