Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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