Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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