yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
