Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
