Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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