Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
