Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
