im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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