I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize