I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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