im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
