Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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