I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
