my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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