textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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