Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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