The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
