you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
