party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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