Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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