You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
