I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize