Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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