Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
