You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
