My liver just broke up with me...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
