can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Randomize
