Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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