it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Randomize