Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
