I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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