Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
