Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
