i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
