He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
