Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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