Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
