I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
