I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
