the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
