if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
