The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
