How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
