theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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