He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
