Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
