I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
