My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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