I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
