If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
