In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
